I have been searching for a while on the proper way to express how I feel, the right words to accurately describe the cloudiness and confusion that is within my soul. From day-to-day my feelings… they alter. What you did to me does not affect me consistently (nor daily) but, rather it comes as soon as I feel myself getting close to someone new.
There was a point in my life where I did not believe in timelines but, now as soon as certain deadlines are not met with a partner, I feel like I need to cut them off. I start an argument and then make it so we cannot work out. I can no longer go with the flow because of a deep fear that I will be investing so much time without a return. A deep fear that me being genuine will go unappreciated. A deep fear that I am just not good enough. And, it is sad that I cannot simply enjoy time spent with someone else because I am still hurt by what you did to me. That is the truth. And, it is even sadder that a woman of my caliber actually feels this way about herself.
To say that I do not think about our situation or analyze the past would be a lie. I do think about it. I think about why you decided to do what you did and why in that manner. Why you thought it was okay to waste [four] years of my youth and why you never gave me an apology. I also think about why you constantly thought it was okay to hurt me, belittle me and embarass me when I was nothing but, good to you under our circumstances and conditions. And, beyond that we were very close friends (aside from the everything else), I considered you my best friend. It will never make sense to me.
I go on my old Facebook account (as I do sometimes because I am still trying to figure out what to do with that page) and I do not even recognize myself. I do not know if that is a good thing or a bad thing as we all change ineveitably throughout time. I am no longer this “you cannot tell me anything about myself” girl, this skinny model chic, this loud and proud woman and this fun free-spirited person that does not let pessimitic thoughts affect her or stress her out. My throwback thursdays pictures… that is not me anymore, at all. I do not know her. I have gained so much emotional weight (almost thirty pounds), I dislike my figure entirely (booty and all), I am constantly comparing myself to other people because I feel like I am never doing enough and I just do not like myself right now…. a lot of comes because of the baggage I have left-over from being with you. I lost my identity while I was dating you. I lost every piece of it. I got so caught up with putting your happiness first that I completely let go of myself. At this point, I do not know who I am.
Is anyone really to blame? No, that is not why I am writing this to you. I am writing this because I need to recognize my own wrong-doings and bad habits. I need to completely rid my soul of this horrible feeling of insecurity. I need to vent. All I can do is work on the things I dislike about myself at this moment and learn to either fix or embrace them. It is not longer your fault, I have to take responsibility. Apology or not. That is why in a weird ironic way, I have to thank you for this next phase in my life. This next journey I am about to embark on. You have taught me all the things I never want from a friend or a partner. What tops the list? I do not want to be treated as though I am ordinary, as though I am replaceable, as though I am not beautiful and, I definitely do not want anyone in my life that thinks it is okay to use my flaws against me.
I read somewhere that to in order to break a habit you have to start building a new identity. You have to decide who you want to be and then start being that person. I have to break the habit of living in two tenses, at the moment I am living in the past (constantly thinking about the pain I went through with you and thinking about the the person that I used to be; it is very hard living up to the editorial model standards and expectations) and, I am living in the future (I want to skip anything that might possibly cause me pain or struggle and just get straight to the point, I want to be a certain person already without going through the hassle of getting there). As long as I am living between those two worlds I am never going to get better or get my life together. I am never going to be able to feel good about myself again. And, I am never going to have a successful relationship.
An ex, is much like a horcrux, they hold a piece of you, a very dark piece. You hold a piece of me and you always will. But, that little bit of me you can keep, forever, because, I don’t want it. It is time for me to start building better habits, better relationships and better circumstances. I need to nurture myself and learn someone’s intentions before I involve myself with them. Thank you for teaching me all that you have taught me and, the experience is much appreciated. I have learned the secret to moving on and writing this letter served as a detox to my soul. Whether we cross paths or not in the future, it does not matter. I wish you well, I hope you want better for yourself as well. In closing, next time you do not like someone or do not want to be with them you do not have to be so mean about it. A simple “I’m just not that into you,” would have sufficed rather than various beating around the bush statements and malicious actions. That is all.
With Much Love And Appreciation,